Difficult Conversations: How to Create Clarity in Conflict
Speak from Your Need, Not His
Tell the other person, “I really need more commitment from you in our dating, or I don’t think I can move forward.” This is much better than “You need to be more committed to me.” He may not experience that need, and he is likely to resent you for telling him what he needs. Speaking from your own need helps you avoid being seen as the “parent” in the relationship, a position that never helps.
When people say, “We need to talk,” for example, they are confusing their wishes with those of the other person. It’s much better to say, “I need to talk to you.”
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Be Humble
You have no control over the person you are confronting. More than that, you are asking for something you need from him. This is a humble position, and it helps to accept it. Saying “I want” and “I need” is a way of letting the other person know that he is important to you, that you do need him, and that you are aware he might see things differently. While this is not a very comfortable position, it’s the best position, because the other person knows he is free to choose and he is not controlled by you. The Bible refers to God’s attitude toward this:
You save the humble but bring low those whose eyes are haughty. — Psalm 18:27
As much as possible, stay away from the “we need to” and “you need to” traps. Speak from your own experience, your own heart, and your own needs. This increases the likelihood that your side will be heard, because it has been clearly identified as your side. No one likes to be told who he is or what he should think.
Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend